Thursday, April 23, 2015

Insecurities

Right now my body is plagued with insecurities. My natural instinct is to drown my taste buds in chocolate but lets face it that will only end in a bloated tummy, a ruined dinner and more insecurities.

I just arrived home from my 6 week long dance class recital for my students families. Let's back up a few steps and realize I kind of threw this dance class together; I mentioned to our awesome principle my idea and within 12 days we were getting to know each other in our first dance class. OK, now fast forward to now- By the way I have LOVED teaching these beautiful girls dance and getting to know their wonderful personalities- I printed off the girls photos and with them attached a note about our practice and assembly performance. I handed them out this afternoon. Guess what? I wrote the wrong date.

I know people make mistakes like this but I make them ALL.THE.TIME. So I have to re-tell everyone that it's wrong and them a few of the girls were staring to freak out. I find out that I had told them the wrong time for today's performance HOW.COULD.I.DO.THAT? We phoned parents to tell them the real time and waited but one of the girls family just couldn't do it. She was devastated. I feel terrible. I feel insecure. I feel like I failed her. I guess I did in a way.

So, right now I feel uncomfortable as I am once again staring straight at myself with my weaknesses exposed and my heart heavy. It seems like I make zero progress and I know that's not true its just my progress is SO slow often too slow. When I feel this way I want to give up and stop doing these things that bring me such joy because of the fear that I will fail another person and continue to make the same mistakes or I just dig the feelings so deep I become numb to them.

It doesn't help that our last two chickens got killed by a fox last night because I forgot to lock up the coop. Yes, my own negligence killed our beautiful chickens. Oh how I want to bury these feelings with a Carmelo.

Today I am trying something different. I am going to feel this. REALLY feel this and see where it takes me. Perhaps it will be like breathing through an uncomfortable yoga pose, the more you stay there and feel it the greater ability our body has to change and evolve into that space. It is only as one stays in the posture that they will build strength and flexibility.

I wish internal change was as easy as external. Here goes nothing!


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