Saturday, January 17, 2015

A Breast Lump

I am laying on the doctors table with my chest exposed. 
My chatter box personality is alive as I try to forget the light-saber needle that is about to spend 10 minutes inside my body. 
A week ago I had no idea I would be having a lump removed from my breast. I had no idea the range of thoughts that would cruise through my mind shaking my reality. 

"Oh! Jessica you need to keep you hands down, no talking with you hands," the nurse tells me and smiles kindly at me. I push my hand under my right thigh and look at the ultra sound computer screen; I see my breast and the unwanted lump in question.

I am numb.
 I watch the needle/knife cut into my lump. It doesn't hurt, but I can feel tugging, pulling and my mind plays games with me. "You don't have to watch" my doctor reassures so I turn my gaze to my sweet nurse. We talk about my boys while in the back of my mind I am patiently praying for the end. Suddenly they turn the suction on and my cut up breast lump is sucked out of the very long tube attached to my breast. 

And it's over. 

And the wait begins.

I feel peace mostly but still my thoughts wander to scary unknown possibilities. 

I find myself in the dressing room awkwardly climbing into my clothes, my body shakes, it trembles and tears roll down my face. I guess this is what they call SHOCK. I feel it and stay there for a moment. 

then 

I leave and wait some more

and

more

and 

more

 just 24 hours

 but 

it seemed longer.

My news was good, oh so good. 
I don't have cancer I just had a lump that's benign. 
I smile very big and text my family and close friends sharing my good news.

And 

then I thought

what of the others who received their calls today. 
Who received the same news as I and who received news that rocked their reality and world in painful and very real ways? 

It's a bizarre feeling to be so thankful that you don't have a challenge that is so painful and real for someone else, not wanting them to have that challenge but just very happy that is it not your reality.

As my thoughts lingered in this space of gratitude for my news but sadness for the reality of others I recommitted to living closer to God and allowing this experience to change me, to mold me into a better, kinder, more humble and grateful child of God. My life is littered with goodness, with blessings, with beauty, with truth and joy. 

Thanks be to God!




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1 comment

Lesley-Ann said...

Yes absolutely 'Thanks be to God' You are always so thoughtful of others and we love you :-)

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