Thursday, October 30, 2014

reminiscing


I found some more photos with Ben's dad who we lost in July.
Each picture I find of him is another tender mercy and treasure. Oh how we miss him...


Grandpa and Lucas



I found these adorable pictures of the boys with Dallin; man I miss that cute kid! 
What a blessing it was to have him in our home so often for a couple of years. 
We love you Dallin and you were so stinking adorable!





Silliness with Reagan and Jack back in 2011. 
Wow that seems so long ago. Jack was so squeezable.



Lucas finally starting to wobble around on two legs. 
He was so slow at the whole walking thing but look at the joy  in that chubby face!



Sometimes I find so much joy from looking back and remembering parts of my lovely life: 
 the people, the blessings, where we have come from and how we have grown;
physically and spiritually. 
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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

it's...


My plan was to spend Sunday afternoon carving out pumpkins as a family but I went to the urgent care instead... 

This year it has been lovely weather so I took the pumpkin carving project outside. It was pretty fun and way less mess clean up. In the middle our dog ran away and we had to find her but it didn't slow us down to bad. 












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Monday, October 27, 2014

The boy's bedroom

I was on a roll after doing our room that I had to do the boys bedroom. 
 Before the room was ugly, dark and nonfunctional. With a new bookshelf, a can of paint, a couple shelves, curtains and an art project that the boys did we have a glorious space that we all love. 


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Friday, October 24, 2014

Letting them be children

Sometimes when school is out and the weather is accommodating we stay and chill at the park, enjoying the beautiful weather. When the kids are running around the air is rampant with curiosity and wonder; it is simply wonderful.  

It is childhood at it's best.

AND sometimes, 
just sometimes 
I take my camera and capture some of the goodness.

Here is to the goodness:





My kids love watching the videos I make of them. For a long time I didn't make video's because I didn't have the right equipment, because I wasn't very skilled at it, because some many people do it better because, because, because, blah, blah, blah. 

I don't care anymore! I no longer want to focus on what I can't do but rather what I can and the why behind my intentions. I want videos of my kids and my life and I want to record my life BECAUSE it makes me happy. I love making videos, watching them and showing them to my kids. Watching the joy on my kids faces is the BEST. 

Here is their park fun: 






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Thursday, October 23, 2014

Hudson Gardens Trip


Our husband's were in the wilderness being manly hunting big game so Crissy and I met up at Hudson Gardens with our littles in tow to explore....

and that's what we did:)

I'll let the pictures tell the story:














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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

thoughts on yoga

I used to pretend that I liked Yoga... I really wanted to like it, wanted to love it but boy holding those poses while breathing deeper and deeper was somewhat torturous. Muscles were shaking, there was no intense music or bouncing movement to distract me from the challenge. All the yogis looked smooth, full of flow and grace while I interpreted it with bounding thumps and clumsy movement; this was not good for my ego especially being a dancer; I was supposed to look good right?

I can honestly say I have come to LOVE yoga. All the things I found challenging about yoga have been what I have come to love.





Now when I am breathing deeper into the movement, i breath in and out through my nose, focusing on only my breath and my powerful, wonderful body sending energy to create more space within my body and it's movement. Every now and then something truly remarkable happens; a muscle releases and lengthens. It is amazing! The body is amazing! I will think I am lengthening as much as possible but then it releases and I go deeper so much deeper. It always surprises me.

Our muscles hold our tension created by fears, stress, anxiety, sadness, loss, judgment, denial and more and when we give our bodies the space, time and focus a release comes and it is truly lovely.











I love that in yoga you cannot avoid the challenge. You have to face it head on and only then you will grow. Isn't that the truth with life's challenges? If we continually live our lives avoiding our challenges and weaknesses we eventually will become consumed by them. If we face them, look at what we can do to change them and then work at it we will see improvement.


Here is some of yoga action from the other day. I record it because I want to track my progress!

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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Lucas has special help

Lucas' teacher pulled me aside and commented that she and the other specialists think Lucas has some sensory issues as well as his speech and educational challenges. Several red flags have been coming up and they wanted me to take a survey about Lucas. I asked some questions about how he is doing with his peers because he talks a lot about friends but I was unsure if he actually was playing with them during school and recess.

"So is he communicating with his friends?"
" no, not really... mostly we see grunting and growling from him"

My heart sank. I think it hit the floor, I felt warm and held back tears. I thought he had come so far...he has but he still has so far to go to be where his peers are. No wonder most days he doesn't want to go to school. Does he know he is different? Does he feel left out? Does he realize that he sounds different? Does he have a hard time understanding others and feel isolated?

What can I do better?
How can I help close the gap between him and his peers?

I will be focusing my prayers on how I can be a better instrument in helping Lucas gain the skills he needs to learn and grow. 



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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Family planning and God's timing


Class just finished and there is a voice mail on my phone. My heart started to thump, I was nervous as to what it would say...I dialed my voice mail and the chirpy nurse's voice congratulated me as my blood test had come back positive; I was pregnant!

Her recorded voice was so full of joy and as my shoulders hung heavy and tears started to stream down my face in an uncontrollable fashion I wondered why I didn't feel that same joy. What was wrong with me? All I felt was fear. I immediately called Ben and through a blubber of cries told him our new reality. I walked home and waited for him then we cried in one another's embrace. 

Becoming pregnant at age 21 was far from my life plan I had created for myself and it was a huge challenge for me to embrace yet it has become the avenue by which I have come to know my Savoir in beautiful and real ways. God knows best! It has been the prefect journey for me and I am forever grateful for my children and the opportunity to be their mother. 

God knows best...
I am trying to remind myself of this truth as I am hoping I might have another positive pregnancy test in our future. Sometimes it feels like if I stare hard enough at a pregnancy test my will alone will make a positive line appear. So childish yet true; when you want something your imagination runs wild. 

After getting pregnant by accident and very easily a second time I am still trying to be OK with waiting and trusting that God knows best. It has been 18 months of wondering if this would be the month I would conceive. If I would get to have another human being grow within me. If our family would grow. I tell myself to not think about it but that's impossible; it's like saying don't think about eating while you are smelling a delicious meal. 

I know this is a sensitive topic, many are touched by the pain that accompanies infertility. I have watched people I love dearly wait far longer than I have and yet I still feel disappointment. I am recording this because it is a part of my journey and it is teaching me a new understanding of patience and trusting in the Lord. I am not saying my sadness is worse than yours or you sisters or your best friends but I am saying I feel sadness and that it is very real.

While I say "it is all in God's timing" I am thinking; 
what if I never have another child? ever.
do I find a job when Lucas is in full day school?
Shall I go back to school? get a masters? my teaching license? 
Should I give away all our baby clothes? Why keep them and hold on to the hope?
Why do I want another child when some days are so hard with the two I have?
I have so much to improve upon maybe it's a blessing to have space and time for personal improvement
I should be more grateful for what I have
If I don't get pregnant in the next year or so will I still want a child that is 6+ years younger than Lucas? and then I feel guilty for that thought...
Why can't the thoughts of pregnancy disappear?
What am I supposed to be learning from this? Am I learning from this experience?
Is there something wrong with me?
If I get pregnant next month I will feel so foolish, embarrased and selfish for admitting this
It serves me right for being so negative to my first pregnancy...
we could adopt
we could foster
we could love others as our own

I don't know if we will have more kids. That I can not control.
 Maybe I will re-read this post in 10 years with a smile as I look around at my expanded family and Thank God. Maybe I will re read it with a deeper understanding of what the Atonement means with my two teenage boys who brighten my life and make it full. Maybe I will re read it and see God's hand in my life painting a path that with a new perspective I can see the divine intervention and cry with thanks. 

Who knows.

I don't know how many children I will have here on earth, when they will come, if they will come BUT
I do know that God loves me.
 I know God exists.
I know I am His Daughter and that He never forsake me

I am trying to trust him and his timing.

I have so many questions but I am grateful for what I am and what I have. 
I love and cherish my boys. 
I love them and pray for God's help to be a better, more valiant mother, have greater love and patience towards them. And to see them as He sees them. 

I am thankful for the pain I experience in my life because  in my imperfect state it forces me to humble myself and use the Atonement of Jesus Christ in my life; and there is no greater gift than that!

And so I try again to trust that God knows best in everything,  
for He is everything!




Sunday morning with my boys

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Monday, October 13, 2014

Flag football game




The game video. this was his break out game. he was pulling flags like a maniac and had a ton of energy and confidence, enjoy;




What energy and enthusiasm!




waving the flag he just grabbed! Victory!



his #1 fan: The Lucunator


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Saturday, October 11, 2014

Rambling thoughts in October

I am sitting at the computer (surprise) Lucas is watching Wild Krats and finally my mind is alone. Just me and this screen. It feels quite lovely to be honest because Lucas screamed and cried on and off for almost 3 hours. There was a few moments when  I thought my head might explode but somehow Thanks to Heaven I had patience and what a blessing it was. Now I am just going to write...

My mind is full with ideas, even exploding. What a gift it is to have ideas and creative thoughts... it really if a gift and I thank God for blessing me with my quirky, innovative and creative mind. BUT, there is always a but, right? Sometimes the chaos and noise of all the ideas paralyzes me and then none of these incredible ideas ever show their potential.

Where to start; somewhere. I don't think it always matters where we start but that we do start. Too often we allow the fear of failure stand in our way of trying and living. I have some good experience with failing so I don't think that's my problem. For me I like all my ideas and am in love with them one day and not the next this inconsistency creates a challenge to move forward.


so...

I have decided to start taking Independent study classes (they are even free!) to act as a staring point. I loved taking college and miss learning. I am always learning but I want to challenge myself this will be a board that I can propel myself forward into something glorious. I'll ask my father in Heaven what I should do, fill my life with goodness, read the scriptures, pray and listen to messages from Heaven. I think for a time I was looking for answers to my challenges and desires in the wrong places when I have a God as a Father who made me, who knows me and who has plans for me. I pledge to ask Him to guide me and then to listen.






I love the following quote by our prophet. Jesus really did experience what we experience and what did he do...listened to His Father.



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Friday, October 10, 2014

An awesome Ted talk about Listening and photos


I just listened to this talk on TED by Julian Treasure. It is about being a better listener; something I can defiantly improve upon. I really took to heart the things he had to say about this subject. I constantly feel like my children are not listening to me and yet I am not really listening to them and the world around me. 

I really think this is something that can improve our lives, families and communities and in the end the world. If we were taught and trained ourselves how to better listen imagine the kind of relationships we could be apart of. I think my world would be dramatically different; a more full and engaging life. 

Sometimes I get too focused on my to do lists and miss opportunities to connect and deepen relationships and the better understand those around me in my life. If I truly believe that relationships are one of the few things we will take with us into the next life - which I do - then I need to commit to better improving my abilities to listen because as I listen consciously I will live more fully! 

Take a few minutes (7 minutes) and watch it and learn:)



Here is my husband whom I am deeply in love with. 
He is a hard worker
 Hilarious
 Handsome
Honest
Kind
Smart
Understanding
and the best companion for me!


Ben and Reagan vegging on the coach






Family goofiness in our front yard!




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