Sunday, October 19, 2014

Family planning and God's timing


Class just finished and there is a voice mail on my phone. My heart started to thump, I was nervous as to what it would say...I dialed my voice mail and the chirpy nurse's voice congratulated me as my blood test had come back positive; I was pregnant!

Her recorded voice was so full of joy and as my shoulders hung heavy and tears started to stream down my face in an uncontrollable fashion I wondered why I didn't feel that same joy. What was wrong with me? All I felt was fear. I immediately called Ben and through a blubber of cries told him our new reality. I walked home and waited for him then we cried in one another's embrace. 

Becoming pregnant at age 21 was far from my life plan I had created for myself and it was a huge challenge for me to embrace yet it has become the avenue by which I have come to know my Savoir in beautiful and real ways. God knows best! It has been the prefect journey for me and I am forever grateful for my children and the opportunity to be their mother. 

God knows best...
I am trying to remind myself of this truth as I am hoping I might have another positive pregnancy test in our future. Sometimes it feels like if I stare hard enough at a pregnancy test my will alone will make a positive line appear. So childish yet true; when you want something your imagination runs wild. 

After getting pregnant by accident and very easily a second time I am still trying to be OK with waiting and trusting that God knows best. It has been 18 months of wondering if this would be the month I would conceive. If I would get to have another human being grow within me. If our family would grow. I tell myself to not think about it but that's impossible; it's like saying don't think about eating while you are smelling a delicious meal. 

I know this is a sensitive topic, many are touched by the pain that accompanies infertility. I have watched people I love dearly wait far longer than I have and yet I still feel disappointment. I am recording this because it is a part of my journey and it is teaching me a new understanding of patience and trusting in the Lord. I am not saying my sadness is worse than yours or you sisters or your best friends but I am saying I feel sadness and that it is very real.

While I say "it is all in God's timing" I am thinking; 
what if I never have another child? ever.
do I find a job when Lucas is in full day school?
Shall I go back to school? get a masters? my teaching license? 
Should I give away all our baby clothes? Why keep them and hold on to the hope?
Why do I want another child when some days are so hard with the two I have?
I have so much to improve upon maybe it's a blessing to have space and time for personal improvement
I should be more grateful for what I have
If I don't get pregnant in the next year or so will I still want a child that is 6+ years younger than Lucas? and then I feel guilty for that thought...
Why can't the thoughts of pregnancy disappear?
What am I supposed to be learning from this? Am I learning from this experience?
Is there something wrong with me?
If I get pregnant next month I will feel so foolish, embarrased and selfish for admitting this
It serves me right for being so negative to my first pregnancy...
we could adopt
we could foster
we could love others as our own

I don't know if we will have more kids. That I can not control.
 Maybe I will re-read this post in 10 years with a smile as I look around at my expanded family and Thank God. Maybe I will re read it with a deeper understanding of what the Atonement means with my two teenage boys who brighten my life and make it full. Maybe I will re read it and see God's hand in my life painting a path that with a new perspective I can see the divine intervention and cry with thanks. 

Who knows.

I don't know how many children I will have here on earth, when they will come, if they will come BUT
I do know that God loves me.
 I know God exists.
I know I am His Daughter and that He never forsake me

I am trying to trust him and his timing.

I have so many questions but I am grateful for what I am and what I have. 
I love and cherish my boys. 
I love them and pray for God's help to be a better, more valiant mother, have greater love and patience towards them. And to see them as He sees them. 

I am thankful for the pain I experience in my life because  in my imperfect state it forces me to humble myself and use the Atonement of Jesus Christ in my life; and there is no greater gift than that!

And so I try again to trust that God knows best in everything,  
for He is everything!




Sunday morning with my boys

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4 comments

Cami and Juan said...

Beautiful post once again. You inspire everyone to learn more about yourself and grow closer to God through hard times. I love your Sunday morning pics. Pictures of your family always make me smile.

Kimberly Presbury said...

Very eloquently written Jess! Your blog is always so full of inspirational words, even through your own trials and hardships. Thanks for being a inspiration to me!
Everything you said is SO true and as hard as it may seem YOU have the RIGHT answers right now. God does love you.
We love you dearly and pray for you oft! Love you heaps! xoxo

Jessarella said...

Sending you hugs and love. Infertility is such a hard trial. So many women I love have suffered from it, including me and I understand all the comments and thoughts you shared here. Much love to you and your family. Xo

Lesley-Ann said...

It is hard and totally consuming. I'm sure you will have another baby when your body is ready to gorw one and hopefully now you are feeling better and getting those shots of B12 it will happen. A large gap isn't so bad as you know there is 9 years between you and Beth! Hang in there and enjoy your boys and we love you :-)

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