Thursday, April 4, 2013

Depression paid me a visit

OK so after a glorious Christmas I returned to Colorado with my family by my side filled with confidence that 2013 would be delightful. I was revved up with overflowing desires to be better, improve and continue my journey forward toward awesomeness. I had developed quite the resolutions:

  • to thrive spiritually
  • to radiate goodness and light
  • to flourish in womanhood
After a week of momentum I hit a wall. A thick wall that didn't budge for two months. I felt depressed. I was depressed. Now anyone that knows me wouldn't use depressed to describe me but boy I was. I have experienced these type of feelings a couple times before but this time they outstayed their welcome. Nothing bad had happened and yet I felt so sad and down. I was deflated like a saggy balloon. I thought at one point that the rain cloud that normally hovered over Eeyore had found me and firmly attached itself to my side. I found myself wanting to be alone, feeling so down on myself and my abilities, I showed little excitement over things that normally made me giddy, I found myself disengaged, smiling hurt, I felt so disconnected to myself, crying over nothing...all these feelings made me even more agitated as they seemed to make me do the exact opposite to my resolutions. I wasn't thriving, I didn't radiate or flourish! I was failing. 

During this whole process I decided that I needed to firmly attach myself to God, I knew he could help me. I knew there was a lesson to be learn't I just had to be diligent in seeking it. One day I had an epiphany. All the characteristics that I longed to have, the ones that usually come so naturally to me I had never expressed gratitude for. I started knelling each day in gratitude for all the characteristics that I missed; my optimism, my positive attitude, friendly nature, eternal perspective, ability to connect, general happiness, love for God and His divine creations, my smile, my energy, my interest in others and ability to love unconditionally. 

These new eyes of gratitude helped me see a light at the end of the tunnel. Slowly but surely I started to feel like Jessica Carney again. I decided that I needed to learn to become more in tune with me body so I started doing yoga four mornings a week. Starting my days off with yoga have really helped focus my attention on growing and expanding within my own body and the space that surrounds me, it has helped me channel my energy into my purpose. I am learning to meditate and have started to read more. I had forgotten how much I love to read inspirational material, even if its just here and there inspirational literature can help me on so many levels. 

A couple weeks ago I looked at myself in the mirror and said I AM BACK! It felt so good to feel me again. I wanted to tell everyone I met that I no longer felt depressed but refrained. I feel ALIVE and ALERT. I feel like I can THRIVE, RADIATE and FLOURISH. As miserable as I felt I am so thankful I hit that wall because I am now so much more grateful for the gifts God created for me and I have so much more compassion for those who battle depression on a daily basis.

You just never know what is going on behind the faces of those around you. We are all fighting our own personal battles and our experiences will strengthen us if we let them. The challenge is for us to accept our own situation, choose not to compare and work through them.



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beyondperusarah said...

You have managed to put into words what I think many of us feel at different times in our lives, especially women. Thank you for sharing, it helps to put a new perspective on feelings and you are right, we don't know what burdens others are carrying and it's so much better to share. Love you Jess, which I had you nearer to share with.

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